Fail Food

This should not even be considered food.

I can’t give you an alternative to the name of  “food”, but rest assured, this is not food. This is something that is in the shape of a loaf of sliced bread, but has enough fake dyes in it to color the roots of your hair if you dare ingest it.

The dyes would seep through your digestive system and end up in your hair, like arsenic.

What am I doing with this in my house, you ask?

One word:  Grandparents.

I see all you sage, wise parents nodding your heads and murmuring in agreement. Only a grandparent would bring this into the house. To feed to your children.

Have I mentioned yet that it is not food?

It won’t toast.

Look what happens when it toasts. The dyes burn. Burn baby, burn. How can that be good for anyone?

And here is where I fail as a parent. I was put on this earth to protect my children. To stop them from eating things that are toxic or can hurt them.

So when my son begged me to make him a sandwich to take to school to show the kids, what else could I do, other than make it?

Come on. You KNOW he was the coolest kid in the lunchroom Monday morning.

He may have dyes seeping out of his pores, but he was cool.

I just about threw up thinking about putting the usual pumpkin seed butter on this (protein in a nut-free world, baby) so cheese it was.

How about a close-up of the awesomeness of this sandwich.

Is is too teen-ish to say “barf” at this point? Because really, that is what came to my mind.

And so, my son went to school. And ate it.

****rest assured the remainder of that loaf was thrown out, never to be seen again. I really hope they threw it in the landfill because that won’t decompose on any compost this earth has known.****